After much fussing around, I finally convince Wilfred who started working at USU as an ACCESS Casual in February 2016 to sit down (or at least stand near-ish to my phone…) for long enough to answer some questions.

  1. T: The elusive Wilfred… 
    W: I’m listening I’m listening!!
    T: What’s your middle name?
    W: Do I actually have to answer that?
    T: Yep.
    W: I don’t want to!
    T: OHHH do you have a secret middle name? Lachlan’s was ‘John’, so boring.
    W: Yeah that’s stupid.
    T: So what’s yours?
    W: Nup.
    (This continues for a while… props to anyone who can find out his middle name)

  2. T: What is your favourite part of the job NAH, you’re not going to answer that seriously are you?
    W: Uh… (sarcastic) “Being able to work in a dynamic environment!”.
    T: Can I put that tone in?
    W: Honestly write that, being able to work in a fun, vibrant environment (…), being able to meet new people from wherever,–
    W: –being able to meet new people and yeah. Something like that, just make it sound good.

  3. T: ISL is burning down, which board game do you grab?
    W: Ooooooh what’ve we got? *long deliberation, ummig and aahing*
    Oh and Lachlan’s already taken Carcassone ‘cos he says he’s got everything else.
    W: I don’t even know how to play that game.
    T: Yeah it’s too hard. We have Jenga!
    W: Does pool count?
    T: No.
    W: Oh damn. Ahhhhh…. Pretty mediocre games there, fuck what do I usually play? What’s something I could play with everyone?
    T: AW are you saying you want a family-friendly game?
    W: NO! No. Let’s say you’re on a stranded island and you’re only got, like, frikkin’ Carcassonne for one person, you know, something like that.
    T: (…) Okay fair. So you want a group game. Most board games are group games.
    W: Can I say a game that’s not here?
    T: No. ISL is burning down Wilfred!!!
    W: I’ll take the speaker.
    T: The what?
    W: The speaker.
    T: *pause* You’re really going to lug that heavy speaker out?!
    W: Ahhhh I really don’t know! (more deliberation) Okay let’s just go C-4.
    T: (disgusted) Connect 4?!

  4. T: What are your hobbies? Apart from bullying me… 
    W: I enjoy… (sarcastic) “playing sports”,–
    T: I’m going to use quotation marks whenever you use that voice…
    W: –”hanging out with friends…”
    T: Riding your motorbike?
    W: Yeah, that’s it honestly, I don’t really do much.

  5. T: If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?
    W: Uh… you’ve gotta be more specific, is it gonna be lunch, dinner, dessert…
    *laughs* you can’t just choose ‘lunch’.
    W: You know what I mean, you can’t just be like “I’m gonna eat ice cream, I’m just gonna eat ice cream for the rest of my life!”.
    T: Yes you could!
    W: No you can’t, you would DIE! (…) You would have way too much sugar!
    T: You will die no matter what you choose, so it’s about a happiness thing. Let’s just say nutrition doesn’t matter.
    W: Oh okay sick, umm…
    Lachlan kinda cheated
    W: –let’s go pizza!
    That’s what Lachlan said! Because he gets multiple things in one food.
    W: Yeah exactly, how is that cheating?
    T: Well because you’re meant to choose one ingredient.
    W: One ingredient? (sarcastic) “Oh yeah, basil.
    T: Lol can we PLEASE change your answer to ‘basil’??
    W: Basil’s great though! (muttering) One ingredient, what the hell…

  6. T: What’s a strange superpower or talent you possess? I can throw grapes into my mouth really well.
    W: I can teleport.
    T: *laughs* Okay well that’s just stupid.
    W: What?
    T: You can teleport?
    W: Yeah.
    T: Alright, do it.
    W: Nah… it requires me to be in a, ah–
    T: concealed room
    with a secret tunnel?
    (After much whining, confusion, asking students and deliberating, we finally worked out Wilfred’s strange talent is he can touch his nose with his tongue).
    W: Only 10% of the world’s population can do it.
    T: Well you are special after all, Wilfred, we always knew it. 

Check out the International Student Forum for more “Meet Our Staff” interviews!