After much fussing around, I finally convince Wilfred – who started working at USU as an ACCESS Casual in February 2016 – to sit down (or at least stand near-ish to my phone…) for long enough to answer some questions.
- T: The elusive Wilfred…
W: I’m listening I’m listening!!
T: What’s your middle name?
W: Do I actually have to answer that?
W: I don’t want to!
T: OHHH do you have a secret middle name? Lachlan’s was ‘John’, so boring.
W: Yeah that’s stupid.
T: So what’s yours?
(This continues for a while… props to anyone who can find out his middle name)
- T: What is your favourite part of the job NAH, you’re not going to answer that seriously are you?
W: Uh… (sarcastic) “Being able to work in a dynamic environment!”.
T: Can I put that tone in?
W: Honestly write that, being able to work in a fun, vibrant environment (…), being able to meet new people from wherever,–
T: CAN YOU STOP BRANDISHING THAT POOL CUE AT ME!
W: –being able to meet new people and yeah. Something like that, just make it sound good.
- T: ISL is burning down, which board game do you grab?
W: Ooooooh what’ve we got? *long deliberation, ummig and aahing*
T: Oh and Lachlan’s already taken Carcassone ‘cos he says he’s got everything else.
W: I don’t even know how to play that game.
T: Yeah it’s too hard. We have Jenga!
W: Does pool count?
W: Oh damn. Ahhhhh…. Pretty mediocre games there, fuck what do I usually play? What’s something I could play with everyone?
T: AW are you saying you want a family-friendly game?
W: NO! No. Let’s say you’re on a stranded island and you’re only got, like, frikkin’ Carcassonne for one person, you know, something like that.
T: (…) Okay fair. So you want a group game. Most board games are group games.
W: Can I say a game that’s not here?
T: No. ISL is burning down Wilfred!!!
W: I’ll take the speaker.
T: The what?
W: The speaker.
T: *pause* You’re really going to lug that heavy speaker out?!
W: Ahhhh I really don’t know! (more deliberation) Okay let’s just go C-4.
T: (disgusted) Connect 4?!
- T: What are your hobbies? Apart from bullying me…
W: I enjoy… (sarcastic) “playing sports”,–
T: I’m going to use quotation marks whenever you use that voice…
W: –”hanging out with friends…”
T: Riding your motorbike?
W: Yeah, that’s it honestly, I don’t really do much.
- T: If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?
W: Uh… you’ve gotta be more specific, is it gonna be lunch, dinner, dessert…
T: *laughs* you can’t just choose ‘lunch’.
W: You know what I mean, you can’t just be like “I’m gonna eat ice cream, I’m just gonna eat ice cream for the rest of my life!”.
T: Yes you could!
W: No you can’t, you would DIE! (…) You would have way too much sugar!
T: You will die no matter what you choose, so it’s about a happiness thing. Let’s just say nutrition doesn’t matter.
W: Oh okay sick, umm…
T: Lachlan kinda cheated–
W: –let’s go pizza!
T: That’s what Lachlan said! Because he gets multiple things in one food.
W: Yeah exactly, how is that cheating?
T: Well because you’re meant to choose one ingredient.
W: One ingredient? (sarcastic) “Oh yeah, basil.“
T: Lol can we PLEASE change your answer to ‘basil’??
W: Basil’s great though! (muttering) One ingredient, what the hell…
- T: What’s a strange superpower or talent you possess? I can throw grapes into my mouth really well.
W: I can teleport.
T: *laughs* Okay well that’s just stupid.
T: You can teleport?
T: Alright, do it.
W: Nah… it requires me to be in a, ah–
T: –concealed room with a secret tunnel?
W: Exactly that’s right, nah WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? WHO THE HELL HAS A SUPERPOWER? NO ONE DOES!
(After much whining, confusion, asking students and deliberating, we finally worked out Wilfred’s strange talent is he can touch his nose with his tongue).
W: Only 10% of the world’s population can do it.
T: Well you are special after all, Wilfred, we always knew it.
Check out the International Student Forum for more “Meet Our Staff” interviews!